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Post by Dianne on Dec 9, 2007 22:17:54 GMT -5
Mark was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**sed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark has been missing since Friday.
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Post by Dianne on Dec 10, 2007 20:23:46 GMT -5
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything , that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.... ............on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..............>
"Clean my house."
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Post by Dianne on Dec 12, 2007 16:23:23 GMT -5
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a > Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. > > 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries > with > that.
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over > Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. > > 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
> 8 . Don't use any punctuation
> 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
> 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds > All > Day.
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party > Because You're Not In The Mood.
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling > "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To > Have To Let One Of You Go."
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Post by Dianne on Jan 9, 2008 16:34:09 GMT -5
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Post by greatdanecafe on Feb 4, 2008 19:46:46 GMT -5
lmao i read these the other day, but had to get off the pc before i could post...
they were really good and too funny!!
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